Thursday, July 31, 2008

Yao Ming Saves Olympians from Getting Lost in Translation

The people running the show in Beijing are doing a remarkably good job at making me believe it is going to be difficult to function as a visiting athlete, media member, spectator, or mobilized protester at the Olympics next month.

Part of this foreign relations problem is the nonchalant approach China is taking towards translating, well, anything.

Not to worry though, folks, Yao has got you covered!

You can pick-up The Tao of Yao for just $1.50 USD on EBAY. And then rest assured that the tattoo you get says Champion...instead of Moo Goo Gai Pan.

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Toss the Burner: July 31, 2008

I’ll miss you, Manny, you enigmatic bastard…

Daily Links:

Return of the Triple Option!
(Digital Headbutt)
"Ex-Pats" Writer Decides To Burn Bridges And/Or Create Elaborate PR Stunt (Awful Announcing)
Michael Jordan, not Jackson, with the Toonsquad Jersey, Funny Video (NESW Sports)
Manny's not headed to the Packers? Then how 'bout the Marlins? (Big League Stew)
Angelia Jolie Is She The Purfect Catwoman (Behind Blondie Park)
Gilbert Arenas Is Threatening to Outdo the Playboy Mansion (Fanhouse)

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Opening Ceremony Rehearsal Leaked! (...big whoop)

Looks like your standard fare of cirque de acrobatics, and rhythmic gymnastics... along with the recreation of a storm trooper roll out.

It is unclear whether the video's release was authorised, although it is highly unlikely as there has been a huge security clampdown around the ceremony with Chinese officials closely guarding their secret plans.

The 30 seconds of footage shows kung fu fighters, trapeze gymnasts, a giant earth globe, floating 3D humpback whales and orchestral music. (The Guardian UK)

You ever watch the gut-wrenching pageantry that is the opening ceremony? It's painful. I don't think even 3-D humpback whale illusions can save it from it's inherent tedium.

The Koreans really grifted Beijing with this one. Check out the video here.

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Toss the Burner: July 30, 2008

Much like if you preface any potato product with bacon, sour cream, and/or cheddar cheese, adding freestyle in front of any sporting activity immediately grabs my attention.

…with that said, I give you freestyle bullfighting.

After the first 8 seconds, the strategy is essentially: SERPENTINE! SERPENTINE! But the back-flip was pretty cool.

And let the record show that the matador (??) is named Dusty Tuckness and the bull is named E-COLI.

The Red Sox react to the Angels nabbing Mark Teixeira (Deadspin)
Kate Hudson is Single (What Would Tyler Durden Do)
Performancing Ads vs. Blogger (The Sports Dollar)
7 Places Greg Oden Would Rather Be Than Comic Con (Busted Coverage)
Search for the Florida Panthers Ice Dancers Begins (Sports By Brooks)

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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

FedEx Cup '08 Commericial

The television spot for FedEx Cup 2008 - Sans Tigris, of course - makes me laugh...

/easily amused, sue me.

...It bears mentioning that I aspire to never work anywhere with video conferencing capabilities.

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Toss the Burner: July 29, 2008

The Ting Tings were fantastic opening for MGMT on Sunday, and I think I'm in love with their Dublin lass lead vocalist.

...the other band that opened - Black Moth Super Rainbow - was a super waste of my time. See more Tings Tings after the links:

NBC's Music Lineup For The Olympics (Awful Announcing)
I Hate It When People Say Things (Fire Joe Morgan)
Border Patrol (And One)
Deco: The Definition Of A Dog (Deuce of Davenport)

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Monday, July 28, 2008

Buzz. Band.

MGMT went from covering This Must Be the Place at Zonker Harris (??) Day, to this...

It's been an upwardly mobile few years for MGMT. It'd be irresponsible not to also embed girls in bikinis getting their slip n' slide on, which also happened at the McCarren Park pool yesterday.

...Here they are doing Invisible Touch back in their Wesleyan days too. (Collins? Hell yeah)

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Friday, July 25, 2008

Toss the Burner: July 25, 2008

NFL Training Camp begins, and looks like the District is off to an irreverent start.

Original Marty McFly Hoverboard On Ebay (Tasty Booze)
The decline of Western Civilization... (on205th)
Australian $5 Million Dollar Blogger (The Sports Dollar)
Man Crawls Over Finish Line In NYC Triathlon (Barstool Sports)
Own your own professional basketball team (Balls Don’t Lie)

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The smart money says...don't bet on this

I'm sure that true degenerates will find this completely reasonable. But you'd have to be a real rube to try to win money on this...

Eggycam, a live video feed showing ten eggs in an incubator, is a new internet craze aimed at raising money for charity.

The point of gamble on which egg is going to hatch first. For crying out loud, there's even odds set up!

After they check the PH levels of each egg, they set the odds.

According to Metro UK, the site is receiving 100 bets per hour! Ken Robertson, of online gambling site and the man behind this little venture, should be running the sports book at the Taj.

Hopefully punters will have a cracking win! says Robertson. Kind of sounds like he knows that he's got his clientele duped.

This is like taking the over in a soccer game. But it is for a good cause, which I hope is the main reason people seem to be wagering on this. All profits go to Down Syndrome Ireland, so if you're feeling philanthropic today, go drop a G on egg 8 at 13-2 odds.

Gamblers Now Betting on Eggs

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Thursday, July 24, 2008

Why are there multiple aerial views of Natalie Gulbis' House on this site?

In the interest of full disclosure, I found this through my Natalie Gulbis RSS feed - which is not at all weird or creepy to subscribe to.

Now an aggregate of all the aerial views of her house on the other hand...

I'm purely an advocate of the Gulbis brand, that is sort of creeperish. To be fair, they're stalking other celebrities on this site, not just the future Mrs. Curly. (For example, Celine Dion lives 1.5 km from Natalie, apparently)

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Toss the Burner: July 24, 2008

Drew Barrymore added some roller girl star power to the cast of ‘Whip It’ yesterday, with the additions of Juliette Lewis, Kristen Wiig, Marcia Gay Harden and Zoe Bell.

EliteXC Back on CBS: Unfinished Business Preview and Predictions (AOL Fanhouse)
The 10 Real Reasons Josh Childress Signed with Greece (Uncoached)
A Word On The Blacks And Mongolians Story... (Deadspin)
Great Science Fair Projects (The Big Picture)
Taking Another Look at ESPN’s NFL Blog Network (The Big Lead)

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Olympian's Granny Fights Off Mugger

Crime doesn't pay...the British Olympic track team - as well as their elders, evidently - are trying to tell you this in more ways than one.

Simeon Williamson (center), Dwain Chambers (right); photo credit

Six days ago, England's High Court upheld a lifetime ban from competition on admitted drug-cheat and Britain's top sprinter Dwain Chambers - leaving the team's Simeon Williamson as the Brit's best chance at a medal in the always coveted 100-meter dash at next month's Olympic Games.

Today, Williamson's grandmother, Pearline Williamson, 78, chased down a mugger in North London after her purse was robbed.

When she took my purse I had to do something so I ran after her and grabbed her as hard as I could...She said she hadn't taken it at first, so I shook the life out of her until she finally gave it back. (Olympic Supergran Chases Down Thief)
Her attitude would make her an Olympic gold medallist if she were just a few years younger, said Williamson of his grandmother. He's still a strong possibility to take gold in the 100 in Beijing, and allay the team's Chambers affliction.

The BBC needs to think about a public service announcement featuring this family - is any of the Williamson clan in the Peace Corps currently?


Dwain Chambers Fails in Attempt to Compete in Olympics (Times Online)
Olympic Athlete's Grandmother, 78, Chased and Caught a Mugger (Times Online)

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China Will Allow Protests at the Olympics...Sort of

I believe Gordon Gano said it best with the lyrics: The City is Restless, It's Ready to Pounce (The Violent Femmes were a quality 80's band)

The AP is reporting today:

BEIJING - Beijing will set up specially designated zones for protesters during next month's Olympics, a security official said Wednesday, in a sign China's authoritarian government may allow some demonstrations during the games. (Beijing to set up Olympic protest zones)

According to the AP, the free zones are being set up miles away from the main festivities at the Olympic Green - out by the softball field and the beach volleyball courts. They'd also appreciate it if all protesters would apply for permission beforehand.

Is there going to be a specific check-in table for objectors? And should you provide a list of militants for RSVP purposes?

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Toss the Burner: July 23, 2008

So the power went out in my office, forcing me to work from home yesterday - happened to be the birthday of the cubicle. (Now, there’s irony that you can cut with a knife! Thanks to Brahsome for tipping me off).

Balls Don’t Lie Marathon Live Chat
(Balls Don’t Lie)
Don Cornelius Has a Hot Wife? Wuh? (Flatusyahu)
Fight Fight Fight (With Leather)
Not Ready For Prime Time (Hugging Harold Reynolds)
Tiger Woods Out of the Picture, TV Ratings in the Tank (via Deadspin)

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Monday, July 21, 2008

A Profile In Courage...Midget Bullfighting

Friday night, I went to an event that was described to me prior as a midget bullfight where free tequila would be served. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to go, as that I felt morally responsible to.

Is bullfighting even legal in New York!? I thought, as we made our way out to this spectacle. It was out by the Brooklyn Bridge; I presumed at some abandoned warehouse where I would be frisked for weapons and contraband on the way in. Maybe there would be reckless gambling involved!

Turns out there were no bulls. No midgets! The event was actually a book release party at a harmless bookstore (read: no abandoned warehouse, no gambling whatsoever). Thankfully, the free tequila was not a myth, and we drank that liquid opium in the children’s section and read Where The Wild Things Are.

The party was for the release of Enanitos Toreros by Livia Corona. She spent almost a decade living in Mexico at a dwarf colony, the residents of which are huge bullfighting enthusiasts, see for yourself:

I hope you stuck with that until the :22 point. Enanitos Toreros is in stores now!

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Toss the Burner: July 21, 2008

MGMT at McCarren Park Pool this coming Sunday is the Rock 'n Roll social event of the week. (it's free too!)

Check out a video after the linking gold...

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Friday, July 18, 2008

Toss the Burner: July 18, 2008

Short of some catastrophic happenings that leaves us all holed up, I'll be vacating my apartment in two weeks - don't worry, ladies, I ain't going far.

Between now and then, I'm determined to hit all the top food locales before I leave the immediate neighborhood. A couple days ago, I told my buddy Riccardi this, and he said that the best gyro he's ever eaten was from a cart right by my apartment. So, last night I decided to heed his advice. Correct, I went home consciously (and soberly) intent on eating street meat for dinner.

I ordered one of each - a chicken and beef - gyro, and made sure the guy OD'd on the white sauce. And you know what, my pal Riccardi was right, it was totally goddam delicious. I enjoyed these while watching Last Comic Standing - which is a completely tolerable show. And most importantly, it didn't put me into a food coma, so I could make it to the midnight showing of Batman.

...And The Dark Knight was positively awesome. Short of a parole hearing, drop what you have to do this weekend and go see it. In my opinion, if you're gainfully employed, come Monday morning you have no one to blame but yourself if someone at your office squawking in elation ruins this movie for you.

Heath Ledger's performance alone is reason enough to treat seeing it with a sense of urgency. He is totally unsettling. Given the circumstances, while watching I couldn't help but ponder how Ledger kept the Joker so tightly together (while running amuck on screen), since we know that he was strung out while Dark Knight was being filmed.

Back to roadside cuisine for a minute.

If you saw the operation that these guys were running, you would not question why I took me two-years living in the neighborhood to dabble. Their cart appears to be hooked up to the conversion van they've got parked next to it. And the grill looks like it may or may not be that van's engine. The smoke billowing out of this kiosk consumes the bank they have shopped up next to. This is one delicious sidewalk plague that these guys have created.

Ledger's brilliant Joker is sort of like this well-prepared street meat. It's dirtily prepared, but definitely worth devouring.

China Travel Tips For Olympic Athletes (Gadling)
10 Bold Second-Half Predictions (Bugs & Cranks)
Kevin Love has some athleticism after all (Odenized)
If A-Rod Throws a Party and No One Shows, Is It Still a Party? (Gossip On Sports)
Barehanded Helicopter Fishing Is All The Rage (FanIQ blog)

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Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Wife-Carrying World Championships

This is unreal... Finland is awesome.

Yeah, that just happened.

The winner gets his wife's weight in beer... It is derived from the tribal practice of wife stealing.

I always assumed that Finland was sort of a dark, decrepit country - incapable of something so righteous. I guess I was mistaken.

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Win a Date with Natalie Gulbis!

RSM McGladrey is holding an essay contest to win a date with Natalie Gulbis.

Essay contest? Apparently, they've been reading my blog posts on the resurgence of kickball, and have realized that everyone wishes they were still in fourth grade.

It has to be under-200 words. Lucky for Natalie, I am as succinct as I am suave.

Top-3 reasons Natalie and I are perfect for each other:

  1. My dream caddy (though I'd give it all up in heartbeat to be Natalie's human golf tee)

  2. I've put myself on a thirty year plan to join the Champion Tour - plan to shave a stroke, and add a yard of driving distance per year.

  3. I'll take a Wii golf babe over Wii fit babes any day of the week

(photo via Busted Coverage)

Supposedly the theme of the essay is Who's Behind Your Success? However, I figure it will be hard to argue with my above reasoning...especially when I'm so goddam independently successful

Go check it out, and maybe you'll have a shot at one of the runner-up prizes like the SkyCaddie measuring device.

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Toss the Burner: Dark Knight Day '08

Tickets in hand for a 12:03 show. If you didn't get yours, well, what can I say? Other than, you're a failure.

Break Dancing Bees Get Served (The Bachelor Guy)
Punk Rock Scott (Hugging Harold Reynolds)
Yooooooouuuur 2008 Superhero All-Star Team (Brahsome)
Tour De Farce (The World of Isaac)
Boxer Undergoes Brain Surgery After ESPN Fight (SportsByBrooks)
The Best: Sportscaster (The Big Picture)
Cardboard Tube Fighting Invades DC (Deuce of Davenport)

And if you somehow scammed tickets for the IMAX. Get bent, I hate you.

(Double-LL, Double-AA)

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Roller Skating, Bald Guys...Barrymore Wants You

Drew Barrymore put out an APB to folks in the Ann Arbor, MI. area today who might want to be cast as extras in her feature film directorial debut Whip It. And, so far, 3,000 people want in.

Whip It is about a female roller derby league in Austin, TX (the Ann Arbor of the Sun Belt region). It stars Ellen "home skillet" Page (Bliss Cavendar), a young girl who discovers the joy of being hell on wheels. It has nothing to do with the band Devo, evidently.

The casting call is searching for bald men, those with mohawks (either gender), roller skaters or people who know sign language.

So if you have one of these weird hobbies, or unfortunate coif situations, and you're over-18 - sign yourself up and see if Julia Gulia picks you.

According to an email from Real Style casting company, the baldies should be "willing to get their dome signed by Drew and the cast."

It does not specify this, but I'm willing to wager that a skullet (willing to get your dome signed, of course) will receive preferential casting consideration. Sign linguists or otherwise.

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Toss the Burner: July 16, 2008

Trying to get through the day with just one caffeinated drink...Can he do it?!

I'll take all bets, you doubters!

That one drink was a large iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts, which I have a crippling addiction for. They charge you the $3.25 for that here in New York (highway robbery). Yet, I can't say no.

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Pizza Man Clobbers Robber!

I am a huge fan of pizza-man vigilante justice

Ann Curry can barely contain herself...

Then. Something. Changed. YOUR MIND!

I worked as a pizza chef for about eight years, and can say with authority that pizzerias have hundreds (if not, thousands) of ways for you to defend yourself from thieves.

For example, when the guillotine execution went out of style, what do you think happened to all that metal?


In college, I wrote a screenplay about my days making 'zas. The story culminates with robbers being thwarted after taking deep fryer grease to the corneas. Real Tarantino-esque imagery.

Point is, that criminal is lucky he only encountered the fleet of fist Rudy Sandoval, and not one of the many psychopaths who are prevalent in the paisan industry.

I wonder if the U.S. Pizza Team has offered Sandoval a contract yet. Or if they're even looking for an enforcer.

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Toss the Burner: July 15, 2008

The Track "Shackler's Revenge" from GNR's heavily anticipated Chinese Democracy will makes its world premiere on Rock Band 2 (via Pop Candy)

Just so we're abundantly clear... It's Shackler's Revenge, not Sheckler.

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Monday, July 14, 2008

Because Getting Gored Really Takes All the Fun Out of It

They had the white get-ups with the red sashes. They had the ole ole ole chants. But in lieu of available bulls, they went with roller girls equipped with whiffle ball bats.

NEW ORLEANS (AP) — It's the running of the bulls, New Orleans style.

Hundreds of men, women and children, most in white with red scarves around their waists and red bandannas around their necks, gathered outside a French Quarter bar Saturday morning to be chased down Bourbon Street by members of New Orleans' roller derby league.

Oh. Hell.Yeah.

During the first half of that video, I was like "who is wielding a chainsaw on bourbon street right now?" And then the Elvis impersonators showed up on their motor scooters.

“The energy of the runners was electric” Mudflap Girl observed. “It was a truly amazing feeling that hundreds of people were stoked that we were there, and stoked to have their azzes whupped by us!!

(I lifted that insight from the Big Easy Roller Girls blog... I could never with good conscience take credit for the use of the term azz (pl.))

... oh, again, the Elvi on mopeds, you can learn more about them at

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Toss the Burner: July 14, 2008

It took me an hour and a half to get to work today on the subway... it usually takes about 25 minutes.

Sitting there, stagnant, I thought... this is so goddam awesome! what could make this better?

... then somebody farted. Dick. Move.

Alas. I'm gonna go toast a bagel, and put butter and peanut butter on that guy. Check these out:

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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Brooklyn Hosts International Kickball Tournament

This was once again not your prepubescent self's kickball...

In the second game I watched during yesterday's Third Annual International Kickball Invitational in Brooklyn, N.Y., a girl playing first base was brought to the ground by an opposing player barreling down the base line. His tackling technique was nothing if not textbook. She bounced back remarkably well from the bear hug take down, as her team's second baseman ran to cover her up - as one of her boobs had freed itself from her bikini top.

Along with All-Star teams assembled from the Brooklyn League, there were squads in attendance from Canada (read: International!), the deep South (Atlanta), and the midwest (Hoboken, NJ).

The eventual champions - one of the four Brooklyn teams - notched a mercy rule victory in their second game of the day, against a team that came all the way from Toronto.

So did you guys rent a church van or something? I asked some the Canadians. No, gas is stupid, we took the took 11 hours. That's a long ways to come to get throttled like that.

The tournament ran all day Saturday from 1 - 11 p.m. - which by my estimation is the longest recorded kickball tournament since Jesus coined the term balls in 15 A.D. (Quote: Get these balls, sucka sayeth the Lord to Judas; Corinthian 21:12)

McCarron Park in BK provided the ultimate self-indulgent backdrop for an organized group of several hundred adults playing an elementary school game. Like most hot, humid days in New York, the park was overrun with beautiful people laying on beach towels, just sort of looking at each other. Also, there was not one, but dueling Mister Softee trucks - which will be getting my business, I wonder?

Prior to the start of the tournament, I spent a good amount of time sitting on a bench drinking a 32-ounce Budweiser out of styrofoam cup watching these Polish kids pelt each other with water balloons. A little girl about five flanked me, and hit me square in the junk with one. Miraculously, it didn't pop; she was so mad it didn't explode all over me. I was relieved, I didn't need to walk around the rest of the day with wet junk.

Even though they didn't play particularly well, the Canadians did show up with Maple Leaf umbrella hats, an apparent traveling mascot dressed as Dionysus, and ketchup flavored potato chips.

Luckily I had the 32-ounce King of Beers or I never would have gotten the taste of those putrid chips out of my mouth.

See some more photos of the tournament below, as well as one of the more clever trash cans I've seen in my day. Check out more at as well.

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