The Mooks of Kickball, Part Seven

Part Seven in an on-going series on kickball that I feel is determined to continue deep into the cold weather months...





After all, the National Power Poll was just issued this week! Here are the top-16 as compiled by Kickball365.com.

1.) Frosty Balls (VA Recess)
2.) Meatballs (FL West Palm/FL Beach)
3.) Hey Whoa (NY Gotham)
4.) Kick Asphalts (VA Dominion)
5.) Screw the Team (FL Riptide)
6.) Young Guns (FL West Palm/FL Beach)
7.) Menace 2 Sobriety (DC Rock Creek, DC Memorial)
8.) Off in Public (DC Liberty, DC Memorial)
9.) Blue Balls (VA Recess, VA Shore)
10.) Dumpster Fire (NY Freedom)
11.) We Kick Your Balls (AZ Valley)
12.) Friends With Benefits (VA Dominion)
13.) Gonzo (VA Alexandria, VA Arlington)
14.) Sofa King Good (CA Hollywood)
15.) Best Coast Ballers (CA Gold Rush)
16.) Gym Class All Stars (DC Monument)

Folks, you can rank anything in sports - as long as you power rank it. Kickball is no exception.

The rationale is broken down at Kickball365 as well. I'm assuming a certain subjective approach regardless. It's hard to factor in the competitive nuances of each respective league. For instance, we learned months back that there is a vigilante terrorist group trying to bring the DC league down (see The Mooks of Kickball, part 3). Who knows how this affected some teams' R.P.I.?

Here's a photo of the cleverly named, #1-ranked Frosty Balls celebrating victory at the Founders Cup in Las Vegas...

photo credit

I'm ranked pretty high in most Cure songs played on jukeboxes in the Metro-NY area over the last six months. You can pretty much rank everything in life.

The Mooks of Kickball, Part Six

Welcome to my running series on kickball antics that will conclude whenever I stop getting fed gold. (Man, I knew part six would be the best...)

photo credit

Gawker gets the nod for this (yeah, right, cause they need my support) about a brawl that broke out on Sunday during the Brooklyn Kickball League's final night of playoffs - Brooklyn Kickball Brawl: "Brother Fighting Against Brother"

This is the league we played in this year (knocked out in the first round of World Cup-style playoffs, unceremoniously). And I was there for this fiasco!

Ok, I was in the bar. But rumor was a full beer was heaved at someone - which is surprising with this crowd, because that's really more of a meathead move.

Disappointing way for the season to end. This is the same kickball league that made Jimmy Traina's SI.com Hot Clicks for hosting an International Tournament! (their fourth annual, in fact). Cooler heads did end up prevailing and according to BrooklynKickball.com the finals are rescheduled for next week.

But seriously, what sort of retaliation wouldn't be justified for having a full beer hurled at you?Flamethrower?

The Mooks of Kickball, Part Six

Welcome to part six of my seemingly infinite discourse on the wacky (sometimes wackness) from the wide world of kickball.



Though we're not exactly sure what this edition's transgressor is up to, some guy who calls himself Kickball Jesus is pumping some kind of kickball meets desolation art exhibit in the Mojave Desert on his blog P.I.M.P.S (People Making Psychogeography Sexy)

Coming November 7th, 2008...

...Only at High Desert Test Sites (HDTS) The Worlds of Kickball and "Sub Fine" Art Collide in The Mojave Desert like Never Before!!

Stay Tuned for more info!!!

~Kickball Jesus (KJ)

Kickball's Second Coming also affiliates himself with an organization dubbed 'Kickball Jesus Speculative Ocean Front Property Development Corporation', which he owns the copyright on.

Whatever this is (probably just a guy whose government name is now kickball jesus), it will be the inaugural exhibit of the Wonder Valley Institute of Art, located in the cultural mecca of Mojave.

Links:

Wonder Valley International C(K)ickball Association (P.I.M.P.S)
Wonder Valley Institute of Contemporary Art

Public Health Foundation Vows to Bring Recess Back!

The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation recently announced they'll invest $18 million dollars to bring recess to the elementary schools of America's minority and low-income kids. They've partnered with Sports4Kids, a national nonprofit, whose website claims they want to have recess back in 650 schools in 27 different cities by 2012.

In 2007, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation issued a report called Recess Rules. Obviously. Recess was excellent, except for indoor recess - especially back in the 80's when we had one Commodore 64 in the classroom. I maintain that bad weather depression is not an innate response, but a learned condition from years spent playing paper football during recess on gloomy days (sucked).

Thinking along those lines, if recess has truly failed to survive - and frankly, it was news to me and I'm shocked that it's so non-existent that we need 18 million bucks to bring it back - kids these days must be downtrodden constantly! We need to get these kids out of the trappings of their classroom and onto the playing field - if only for 15 minutes proceeding lunchtime each day. Apparently, The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation also puts trained adults on the playground to help kids learn the dying recess games of yore - kickball, tag, etc. I'm down. I'll help unleash the four square champion inside each impressionable youth.

Check out rwjf.org and Sports4kids.org for more info.

Links:

Tag, You're Healthy!

The Mooks of Kickball, Part Five

I never thought it would get this out of hand...

TAMPA, FL -- Police have arrested a local kickball coach and charged him with raping a 21-year-old kickball player. 26-year-old Andre Javon Newton is also accused of threatening the player's life.

Investigators say Newton visited the woman in late July and asked her to help provide money for kickball uniforms.

When she went into a bedroom, he reportedly followed her, pushed her onto a bed, and then raped her.

Tampa Police say this is the same kickball league that spawned fights at Riverfront Park back in late-May when officers responded to a brawl of about 100-people. (ABC Action News - Tampa kickball coach accused of raping player)

With the past incidents, It would not shock me if Tampa had some sort of penal kickball league already in existence. Unfortunately for this mook, he's probably just got lots and lots of solitary confinement to look forward to.

Related Posts:

What the Hell is going on with these Kickball Leagues?
Women's Kickball League Banned From Tampa Parks, Files Complaint With NAACP

The Mooks of Kickball, Part Four: TRIAL OF THE CENTURY!

Just when I thought it had reached its peak…

According to Washington City Paper, “The Greatest Kickball Lawsuit of All Time” has come to end.

"In 2006, the World Adult Kickball Association (WAKA) sued upstart DC Kickball, claiming that founder and former WAKA officer Carter Rabasa had stolen the association's proprietary rules and then defamed WAKA by calling it "the Microsoft of kickball." Offended and pouting, WAKA demanded $356,000 in damages. Had the legal recourse existed for it, they likely would have forced Rabasa to play bocce for the rest of his life." (DCist)

A motion filed in April by both sides to dismiss the case was just passed. (i.e. everyone woke up)


There is absurdity abound here, clearly.

• The WAKA, LLC. A limited liability company (for kickball!). Sounds official, I know. You probably pay your rent to an LLC. Apparently, there is clout to be had in the kickball market, but the "Microsoft of Kickball?" The conglomerate empire...of kickball! Where am I? Even the Initech of kickball shouldn’t exist!

• $356,000 in damages! That's like somebody’s pension, if they have decent mob ties. A lawyer – in the unaccredited and strip mall sense of the profession - screed that on some documentation at one point while this suit was going on. Apparently, they were a little off, and calling somebody the Microsoft of is not actually defamation.

Forget the legal precedent set here, Let’s see if we can get a few of the same cuckoo puff law-types back involved, and reopen these proceedings with Frank Zappa suing for copyright infringement – citing the tampering of his song Waka Zawaka.


For the record, copyright infringement, tampering - I don’t know if any of this is proper terminology. If this wasn’t such fantasy camp stuff, I’d be more concerned.

Win a Date with Natalie Gulbis!

RSM McGladrey is holding an essay contest to win a date with Natalie Gulbis.

Essay contest? Apparently, they've been reading my blog posts on the resurgence of kickball, and have realized that everyone wishes they were still in fourth grade.

It has to be under-200 words. Lucky for Natalie, I am as succinct as I am suave.


Top-3 reasons Natalie and I are perfect for each other:

1. My dream job...pro caddy (though I'd give it all up in heartbeat to be Natalie's human golf tee)



2. I've put myself on a thirty year plan to join the Champion Tour - plan to shave a stroke, and add a yard of driving distance per year.


3. I'll take a Wii golf babe over Wii fit babes any day of the week

(photo via Busted Coverage)

Supposedly the theme of the essay is Who's Behind Your Success? However, I figure it will be hard to argue with my above reasoning...especially when I'm so goddam independently successful

Go check it out, and maybe you'll have a shot at one of the runner-up prizes like the SkyCaddie measuring device.

Brooklyn Hosts International Kickball Tournament

This was once again not your prepubescent self's kickball...

In the second game I watched during yesterday's Third Annual International Kickball Invitational in Brooklyn, N.Y., a girl playing first base was brought to the ground by an opposing player barreling down the base line. His tackling technique was nothing if not textbook. She bounced back remarkably well from the bear hug take down, as her team's second baseman ran to cover her up - as one of her boobs had freed itself from her bikini top.

Along with All-Star teams assembled from the Brooklyn League, there were squads in attendance from Canada (read: International!), the deep South (Atlanta), and the midwest (Hoboken, NJ).

The eventual champions - one of the four Brooklyn teams - notched a mercy rule victory in their second game of the day, against a team that came all the way from Toronto.

So did you guys rent a church van or something? I asked some the Canadians. No, gas is stupid, we took the bus...it took 11 hours. That's a long ways to come to get throttled like that.

The tournament ran all day Saturday from 1 - 11 p.m. - which by my estimation is the longest recorded kickball tournament since Jesus coined the term balls in 15 A.D. (Quote: Get these balls, sucka sayeth the Lord to Judas; Corinthian 21:12)

McCarron Park in BK provided the ultimate self-indulgent backdrop for an organized group of several hundred adults playing an elementary school game. Like most hot, humid days in New York, the park was overrun with beautiful people laying on beach towels, just sort of looking at each other. Also, there was not one, but dueling Mister Softee trucks - which will be getting my business, I wonder?

Prior to the start of the tournament, I spent a good amount of time sitting on a bench drinking a 32-ounce Budweiser out of styrofoam cup watching these Polish kids pelt each other with water balloons. A little girl about five flanked me, and hit me square in the junk with one. Miraculously, it didn't pop; she was so mad it didn't explode all over me. I was relieved, I didn't need to walk around the rest of the day with wet junk.

Even though they didn't play particularly well, the Canadians did show up with Maple Leaf umbrella hats, an apparent traveling mascot dressed as Dionysus, and ketchup flavored potato chips.

Luckily I had the 32-ounce King of Beers or I never would have gotten the taste of those putrid chips out of my mouth.

See some more photos of the tournament below, as well as one of the more clever trash cans I've seen in my day. Check out more at BrooklynKickball.com as well.

Zombie Kickball III was a nightmarish good time!

Over 200 undead showed up in Portland last weekend for the aforementioned Zombie Kickball.

As the appointed hour approached, dozens of the undead of all ages streamed onto the field. Two zombies in Hawaiian shirts carried maps; another wore a bloodied wedding dress and clutched a frying pan; one was wrapped in a vine and carried a watering can; more than a few were impaled with various implements or carrying rubber body parts. (via SunJournal.com)

...Zombies from all walks of the afterlife! Including Elvis who, according to my sources on the inside, lost track of the game at one point and was seen knawing on his hand in the outfield.

Apparently, Zombie Elvis works as an educator and composer in the community too. True Story.



See more Zombie Kickball 2008 photos here.





...rumor is that they're staging another one of these sometime soon in Bellingham, WA to be filmed professionally.

Zombie Kickball in Portland

In my opinion, this has basically turned into a game of one-upping. It seems that the further I dive into the World of kickball, the stranger it gets.

And these guys make the pirates from Brooklyn look like merely over-enthusiast camp counselors.




What is weirdest to me is that this is happening in Portland, Maine of all places. Isn't it like the L.L. Bean Capital of the World?

Ah... Vacationland! It's here at long last... Summertime in Portland, Maine! Barbecues all over Munjoy Hill, picnics across the Eastern Promenade. Kites flying above the East End Beach, boats sailing in Casco Bay. Friends and lovers lazing on the lawn, families basking on the beach, children frolicking on the playground...

That little snapshot of tranquility came right off the Zombie Kickball MySpace page.


Game play and strategy definitely appear open to individual interpretation. However, the two rules that participants in Zombie Kickball must adhere to above all else are be civil...and be courteous.

To be more specific, that means don't stagger through flower beds, don't stumble against cars, and keep your moans to a dull roar.

And, of course, be respectful of the Bayside Little Leaguers playing nearby.

The Third Annual (kickin' ass and taking brains since 2006!) Zombie Kickball happens on Sunday, June 29 on the Eastern Prom in Portland.

Check out some footage and photos from year one here:

Kids these days...

The latest in performance stilt technology. These things claim that you'll be able to jump up to seven feet in the air and run at speeds up to 21 mphs.

...and if you're this guy, back-flip down residential streets and leap over an F-150.



Pogo-stickers, eat your heart out.

They'll run you about $350 bucks. But the children's model is available for only 339.99.

The kids model? Maybe its because I grew up in the era of Crocodile Mile and the Skip-Bo. But who would get these for a sweet, innocent, teeth-intact child?




Man, adults decide to take kickball back from fourth-graders, and this is what happens?

The Mooks of Kickball, part 3

I will conclude my expose of the kickball universe whenever the hell folks stop feeding me gold...








Since first posting about the gals of the Tampa Bay kickball league, I've received multiple emails and comments from kickball enthusiasts in D.C., Memphis and Quebec; I'm now subscribing to like ten RSS feeds for kickball blogs.

Please keep sending! I assure you that info about kickball glory and prowess will be given as much consideration (at least half the time) as the details about on-field violence and degenerate off-field behavior.

Now get a load of these monkeys...


I first learned about this site from the Gothamist post on the kickballer who was arrested wielding a sword in Macys. Amongst all the potshot comments, a link to a website with an overtly inimical message stuck out – dieyuppiekickball.com.

The site serves as an organizational hub for the Anti Yuppie Kickball Guerilla Front, whose credo reads:

We, the Anti Yuppie Kickball Guerilla Front, do advocate all ridiculous direct action and pranks persuant to the collapse of kickball for Young Professionals in the greater Washington, DC area. For too long have we sat idle while all the chumps, douche-bags, yuppies, and stripey-shirt imported assholes of this town coalesced their power under this banner.

Here's the conspiracy chart... because when it comes to militant action, there is such as fine line between the rational and the delusional:

...

Here's a diagram that details ball-napping, one of the AYKGF's guerilla tactics... sadly, there are no examples of this on YouTube, and no wikipedia page has been created yet.

...

A recent news item from the site reports that Agent T-Bone has been stripped of rank and privilege and declared excommunicate after admitting joining a Brooklyn kickball league.

A post from October 2007, details the arrest of Agent Inquisitor K, who was later arraigned on several charges including advocating terrorism.

After several google searches for Inquisitor K (…and “terrorism”;…and “U.S. Marshals”;…and “aggravated assault” + “ball-napping”), nothing came up to corroborate the post…shocking. From what I can tell, the title of Inquisitor implies a high-level in the chain or command, more so than both Agent and Conscript.

...

If you think this might be for you, I'd encourage you to visit the site and check out the Join the Front page. They've posted some of their "most righteous application statements", like:

"Crusaders against banal conformity, accept my service! This plague of idiots must know the stink of a shit bomb; they WILL learn that the ball they enslave exists to smite them in a dodgeball frenzy!"

...personally, I'm trying to envision what would happen to somebody lest they were actually put in jail for some of this.