Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Steady Burn on Yahoo! Sports...

Tomorrow I embark on what is sure to be a memorable trip to say the least when my good buddy Bley and I set forth from Queens, NY for Louisville, KY and the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby.

I'm teeming with excitement. I can't remember being this jacked up on a Wednesday since...well, ever.

I've arranged with Jamie Mottram at Yahoo! Sports to do a blog post on Y! Sports Blogs recounting the experience that should hit interweb newstands Monday morning.

Here's a portion of the itinerary that I sent Jamie late last week...

As of this time next week, I’ll be en route to Louisville, KY for the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby. Here’s my rough itinerary for the journey:

  • Wednesday, April 31, Midnight: Paycheck hits checking account; man, I love direct deposit.
  • Thursday, May 1, 10 a.m. Eastern Standard: Depart Queens, NY. Former college roommate, the honorable Bley, esq. at the helm of the Dodge Charger.
  • Thu. May 1, Dusk: Arrive at the Ohio State University. See what all the hullabaloo about this place really is. Bring (and/or join) the ruckus.
  • Friday, May 2, Noonish EST: Embark for Louisville, KY. Approximately 180 miles from Columbus. What lies in between? Only god knows. My main goal would be to pick up Chad Johnson & Chris Henry in Cincinnati, but who knows if they even like hanging out with each other?
  • Friday Night, May 2: Arrive in Louisville, KY, knowing nobody, find a place to crash. Really excited about this part of the trip. (note: Bley has since secured a hotel. I can't imagine it's a nice one).
  • Saturday, in the a.m., May 3: Don seersucker. Set-up shop at Church Hill Downs. Devour the Derby.
  • Sunday, May 4: schlep back to NYC. Reflect.
  • Monday, May 5: recovery day.
Just writing this itinerary got me real fired up, and now, I’m listening to Ace of Spades by Motörhead. The full details of this trip, I can only imagine.

I plan to be a skilled professional in the arts of the mint julep, the double exacta box, the triple exacta box, and the southern belle by close of business on Saturday, May 3rd.


The early lines are in for the running of the roses, and Big Brown is the morning line favorite at 3-1. BB drew number 16 (out of 20) in the post position selection order however, and might have to break from the outside gates on Saturday.

That makes no sense? I'd suggest relaxing until Saturday (unless you're going to bet the farm) before you start thinking about this. In the meantime, check out an old Hunter S. Thompson essay on the scene at the Derby.


In other gambling happenings, I bet my friend Cadigan a c-note this morning that Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy won't win 10 games combined this year

Post time is roughly 72 hours from now. We've got to cover roughly 700 miles between now and then (and I plan on being their Friday morning). I can't freakin' wait! Look for my post on Yahoo! next Monday.

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Why Does UCONN player Craig Austrie Need 2 Gs?

My buddy and fellow UCONN fan Jake sends this to me with tagline...this could not be good for the program.

Check his Facebook status out...

/I might get de-friended by Austrie for this.

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West Bound & Down...

Something kind of awesome that just came on my radar...Jay Busbee at Yahoo! Sports is running what he's calls The Greatest Driver That Never Was tournament on his blog From the Marbles.

It's already in the second round, and today's match-up features my all-time favorite movie character Bandit from Smokey & the Bandit facing off against Anakin Skywalker (meh).

As I could of have predicted, Bandit is throttling Anakin (84% of the vote counting mine); I wonder how my unborn son would feel about the name Burt Reynolds Hayes?

For those of you who haven't seen the Smokey & The Bandit...shame on you. Reynolds plays a trucker - a trucker that makes me want to become a trucker - but spends most of the movie running interference in that really boss Pontiac Trans Am. In fact, after the movie was released Trans Am sales actually jumped from 68,745 to 93, 341 in 1978.

Speaking of truckers who rule hard, my one critique of the TGDTNW tourney is that Lincoln Hawk from Over the Top wasn't selected for the field. Bogey, Busbee. Stallone would have been a formidable opponent for Reynolds I feel.

Naturally, we're going with Bo "Bandit" Darville to win the whole damn thing.

Dem boys are thirsty in Atlanta, and there's beer in Texarkana...

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

If John Daly Wasn't Already Your Personal Hero...

shoeless, shirtless, cigarette in on205th, I bow to thee for posting this first.

Fox, I take back everything bad I've said about your Ozarks affiliate in the past.

The name of Daly's course - The Murder Rock Golf Course. In case you'd like to suggest that I failed to visit Daly's course website, I didn't.

There's a legend heard around the hollows of Branson Creek about Murder Rock, a place where Civil War bushwhacker Alfred Bolin and his gang were known to ambush travelers.

That's actual copy from Sadly, there is no merch for sale on the site.

You can look up playing partner Johnny Lee yourself.

...oh, and here's to waking up everyday and not having man boobs.

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Look out for Dexter Jackson Next Year...

I was a little perturbed that the Bucs got Aqib Talib instead of the Pats. Frankly, Belichek must be really high on Jerod Mayo, considering that Sedrick Ellis was sitting right there when they decided to trade down and pick Mayo at #10.

Since they got Talib, I decided to check out the rest of the Buc's draft board to see if they made any other choice picks (because that's the sort of masochistic bloke that I am), and it turns out they did.

Dexter Jackson won the Division twice-eh National Championship this past season with Appalachian St., and participated in that historic upset of Michigan along the way.

Actually, he was one mane wrecking-crew in that game.

Trying to find something bad about this kid, says he has a tendency to take his eye off the ball...ooh, that is bad.

Regardless, Jackson had the fastest 40 time at the combine, and can clearly catch the deep ball (he ended the season with 52 and 60 yard touchdown receptions in the National 1-AA semis and finals).

And, coincidentally, the last Buccaneer player named Dexter Jackson was their only Superbowl MVP.

The Bucs took him at with the 59th pick in the draft...which, coincidentally, is the number of strip clubs within Tampa city limits (lucky on multiple levels I'd say).

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Monday, April 28, 2008

Roger Clemens Had a 10-year Affair With a Troll

Clemens, your girlfriend, woof.

We've all had our encounters that we agree we should "never speak of again" (my friends call them moon landings). But 10 years? In a word, greedy.

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Friday, April 25, 2008

Throwing In My Two Sense...

Not sure why I wasn't invited to join in this blogger mock draft...Sitemeter says I average like 30+ visits a day to this blog.

I feel snubbed.

However, not going to let it stop me from making my dream prediction for who the Patriots should select with the number #7 overall pick.

The masses want...Aqib Talib (CB, Kansas).

This guy is a beast. We need help at the corner. This is not rocket science here folks.

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I'ma go get my other gun...shoot everybody!

With Wes Snipes facing some hard time (three years), I figured it was appropriate to post something from his best film that isn't Major League.

Raymond is actually played by ex-NBA player and UCLA star Marques Johnson.

I don't believe that he had much of a pro career.

...and you heard it here first, Snipes will be out in nine months.

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Toss the Burner: April 25, 2007

Natalie Gulbis, redux.

Check out Busted Coverage to see the evil idea brought forth by the menace J Koot. And be on the lookout over there for my personal birthday message to a certain EA.

(Been a while since I threw up some) Inspired Thoughts:

"...the punk kid asked me if i wanted a "new" camera, as if i was going to say, "nah, its cool, gimme a used one, i dont care...", i walked out of the store before he could even put a period on the end of his sentence."

said, C. Bley, regarding a trip to Circus City last night to purchase a digital camera.

More posts later...maybe a tribute to Wes Snipes (doing a three year bid)...maybe some Patriot Draft Day recommendations. Should be time for both.

mmmm, nuhnuhnuh!

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

ESPN Gamecast, you win this round...

I just watched Manny fly out to end the game as the Red Sox lost to the Angels 7-5.

By watched I mean I followed the little Web 1.0 dot travel on my screen to deepest part of's graphic representation of Fenway Park.

Not knowing whether or not Manny actually just missed a home run - and inevitably did his little ridiculous pose at the plate - or if some mouth-breathing coder (or whatever you call the person who makes the gamecasts hum) is playing with me is really bothering me.

The Red Sox would have still be been down by a run, but it's killing me!

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Is that a Graphite Shaft?

Sitting in my in-box when I got to work this morning.

/it's gonna be a good day.

...oh man, what I wouldn't give.

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

If you have headphones...

play this rrrrrihgt now! (via: fimoculous)

...I didn't even wait until the song was done playing to post this.

/choking on laughter.

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What is this failure saying?

My hatred for Tony Parker, is well documented.

Thanks to Odenized for posting this clip from last night's TNT broadcast of the Spurs & Suns.

Chew - Meigh - Monk?


I love how Inspector Chuck immediately got on Cybelle the French Camera Femme's case

(Why would he miss her, if he's gonna see her later? You tryin' to pull somethin' over on Sherlock Chuck, miss?)

...and then he decided to call Kenny and Ernie dumbasses. Because Sir Charles is all about high comedy.

Then, he calls the Cybelle crazy in Spanish. Ernie furrows his papers, wishes he could get the last few minutes of his life back.

San Antone went up 2-0 on Phoenix. My prediction for the rest of the series : much more Barkley nonsense.

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Toss the Burner: April 22, 2007

A great interview by a great blogger - Zach at The Big Picture talks to the dastardly Christmas Ape, post-firing from the Washington Post.

Good to know he's still thriving. Also, I'm intrigued to hear more about the deal that Kissing Suzy Kolber inked. Like my man French says, this is America...either you make more money, or you're a f#$king douche bag.

I'm happy for them. KSK is my favorite blog, hands down. And they are unbridled in their dismantling of New England sports fans.

Speaking of which...Jodie at Gossip on Sports uncovered Darren McFadden's Yardbarker blog about his visit to the New England Patriots:

I went to New England last week and I loved their facility and their stadium. They are doing a lot of construction around it. They are building a mall and a hospital right there. If I get a chance to play there I will never have to leave (!!!). They said much of the building they are doing will keep all the noise in the stadium so game days will be especially loud. They are already great at home, that will just give them another advantage.

I really enjoyed meeting Coach Belichick. He told me about their team and their system and what they would expect of me. They are always looking for playmakers and that's what I am. I sat down with most of the offensive coaching staff and watched film. They also introduced me to Kevin Faulk. He's impressive, the way he studies, how he trains and how he carries himself. If I can duplicate the way he prepares I'll be doing just fine.

Forget what he says here. He would love to play in New England - fantastic, who wouldn't? Look at the tone, the sentence's rosy as hell!

There is no way this guy wrote that. Unless D-Mac is actually Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock.

Yardbarker, I'm on to you.

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Friday, April 18, 2008

Toss the Burner: April 18, 2008

It's like 80 degrees outside, let's get out there and see some skirts!

Nope, gotta work. Guffaw.

I can't wait to run for Pope of this dump on the four-day work week platform.

You ask me to debate foreign policy, and I'll ask you to use foreign policy in a sentence. Universal health care, sounds tough. Nope, all we need is the four day work week...or at least maybe siestas.

President Curly, sounds pretty dastardly doesn't it?


So, Midge Tejada is actually a mischievous two years older than he's been claiming. The first sentence from the report is priceless:

PHILADELPHIA -- Miguel Tejada just aged two years.

...and so is the spin by Astros general manager Ed Wade:

"In the course of media interviews, it was brought to our attention that the date we carry for Tejada, the year of birth, is incorrect," Wade said. "His green card, his driver's license, everything that he uses personally shows '74 as his date of birth. In the media guide, that type of information shows '76. We told Miguel we were going to go ahead and make the appropriate changes and all the information was put forward. But the fact of the matter is he's playing like he was 25."

So, this whole charade, it was merely a typo in the media guide? Or was it more of a typo in the media guide propagated by a decade long lie?

All this really means is that Tejada will stop striking fear into me every time he comes to the plate probably in 2014 instead of 2016.

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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Awesome One-Man Japanese Little Girl Band Rocks Me...

god bless brahsome for posting this gem. Carry on, little geisha, Carry on.

0:36 - oooh

0:48 - OH!

0:51 - OHHHHHH!!! (Quoting Bruce Dickenson)

1:03 - Sweet Lord! OH


4:11 - OH MY LAWRDY! OH!

...that was the play-by-play of me watching this.

And the applause she gets? You'd think she'd just tapped in for triple bogey at the Nippon Open. The Japanese know nothing of rocking.

Vadam Pruzhanov (The Keytarist from Dragonforce) would be proud, little girl.

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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Joe Lunardi already has next year's bracket set...

This is ridiculous.

He's even already predicting the last four in and the last four out.

F#$king Lunardo.

At least he's got UCONN grabbing a two seed

You just got downgraded to supremely massive on my "how massive of tool is Joe Lunardi" scale.

628 comments on this garbage too; you people have way too much free time on your hands.

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Friday, April 11, 2008

My day just got better...

There are few days during the year that I look forward to with as a great an anticipation as the day of the first Sox/Yankees game

And conveniently today, the New York Post is reporting that some devilish (enterprising) Red Sox fan working on a concrete crew at the $1.3 billion stadium covertly buried a Red Sox T-shirt under what will become the visiting team's locker room to jinx the Yanks.

Totally awesome. Best story about a rogue union man I've heard in a while.

Brando would be proud.

The identities of all the workers has been withheld, because that rag has enough blood attached to it.

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

Happy Day, It's The Master: Day 1

I'm going to do a little blog entry about the Masters each day. Why? Because golf is the ultimate sport.

I may choose to exclude Saturday and Sunday in lieu of having fun over the weekend. Those are the only two days I recommend watching by the way.

Actually, I only recommend watching the last round on Sunday. And do it on DVR fast forward too.

In Masters day one news worth noting, resident links douchebag V.J. Singh is being beaten at his own game by some guy named J. Singh. ho HO!

Went a little above J. on the screenshot so that I could point out that Heathcliff Slocum had a competitive first round. Years of seeing that guy pitch during TBS broadcasts, you think they would have alluded to his golf prowess...personally, I had no idea.

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Natalie Portman & Devendra Banhart spotted in Soho Eatery

Banhart, in a word...selfish

Here's what they have in common:

1.) they're 26.

And by comparison, here's what Natalie and I have in common:

1.) She's been an advocate for environmental causes since the age of twelve (There's approximately one lightbulb* working in my entire apartment; I'm going green)

2.) Despite being associated with summery, flowery musicians with frou frou names like Devendra she actual prefers Motorhead** (You bet your ass I prefer Motorhead, I'd follow Lemmy into the black)

3.) A working knowledge of the city of Paris...

4.) In a 2004 interview with Allure Magazine she said "Oh my God! I'm not black, but I know what it feels like!" (Senior year we had a framed photograph of the first African American pool superintendant - whose name escapes me at the moment - on our wall. My roommate made the swipe from a pool he worked at in Brooklyn. Anyway, I used to tell people he was my uncle and that I was half-black. The really curly hair and sharp dance moves helped sell the dream)

Stick that on the back of your compatability colt and ride off into the sunset, Josey Wells.

*The singular lightbulb is actually part of really budget chand-o-lere that has about a dozen bulb sockets. I've threatened my roommate on numerous occasions - with the mack-ten - for trying to replace the burned out bulbs.

**There's no link to her wikipedia page here, because I made it up. Motorhead is awesome though

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Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Toss the Burner: April 9, 2008

The twelfth season of South Park has been oh so sweet, and yet another fresh episode airs tonight.

If you're kind of a big deal like myself and can't always be around at 10 p.m. on Wednesday, check out ALLSP where you can watch every single episode (beautiful) ever created.

Here's a musical moment from the show's past, I can't remember laughing harder during South Park then the first time I saw this...

Concerning YouTube...The Today Show has been covering this story about the 16-year old girl who was beaten up on camera by a bunch of her supposed girlfriends.

The she-thugs then put the video on YouTube...shocking.

This morning, The Today Show put together a panel to discuss how awful this whole thing is, and the disturbing trend in kids posting violent video in search of their "15 MBs (clever?) of fame."

Interestingly enough, on YouTube's most viewed today page a news video of the beating loaded by user AssociatedPress has 226,065

So, we've got trusted, reputable media source The Today Show condemning kids for doing this with violent videos, and trusted, reputable media source The Associated Press...What? Fueling the fire?

In their defense, AssociatedPress has removed the video.

...and some of my favorite (at least by name) YT users who have picked up the slack in posting these girls' story include CuddlyNutBear, SockPuppetry101, and JUMPTHECOOCH.

An emerging voice of reason in this whole sordid affair...a YouTube comment posted 12 seconds ago:

WHAT THE F#$% IS THIS SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those girls should be punished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You don't do that to some one just because you have a disagreement or she said something to offend you. COME ON PEOPLE THIS IS F#$%ED.

says lesbianloveaffair

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Tuesday, April 8, 2008, is this a joke?

So I just checked out the's 2008 mock draft to see where Derrick Rose's he-man NCAA tournament had landed him...found something way more entertaining:

Who you think they're gonna take in the second round? Me?

Apparently, the site was only updated as recently as yesterday, and even then, the 2008 Mock Draft was NOT one of the things that was updated.

Something tells me Mario Chalmers will not be a Grizzly next year.

On a side note, I'd love to see Rose go number one overall. I think he commands the game ridiculously well for as young as he is.

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Toss the Burner: Red Sox Home Opener

Memphis collapsed.

Remember when Paul Shaffer (Artie Fufkin) demands that Christopher Guest and Harry Shearer kick his ass in This Is Spinal Tap?

Great part of the film. Kind of how you could sum up the last few minutes of last night's game.

I'm not askin...I'm telling you to kick my ass

John Calipari and his team could not be reached to comment on what exactly went wrong at the end of game. However, long time Memphis fan (and a solid representative of the demo of the team's fan base) Cletus the slack-jaw yokel had this to say...
I can't possibly think of anything else that could've gone wrong.

Most importantly, we can now move on to strictly baseball season.

After an 18-day, tri-country, du-continent road trip the BoSox open up at home today against the winless-less team in baseball the 0-6 Detroit Tigers. The Sox kick off a 20 game in 20 day stint.

A savage road trip, then 20 games in a row. Is MLB giving them June off or something?

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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

How to execute an April Fool's Joke...

If you live in eastern standard time, you're probably sick to your stomach about April Fool's Day at this point.

I'm sure you've been rickroll'd several times by tragically unfunny coworkers, and just can't stand it anymore. Not too mention, we all woke up today and apparently Brooklyn Decker is actually (not jokingly) engaged to that whinester Andy Roddick.

Personally, I'm of the opinion that all April Fools foolery should take place before 8 a.m. Here's what transpired when I called my dad at 7:30 this morning...

....well, first a quick backgrounder on the old man.

Here is my dad*

He's a Black Irish McBastard from South Boston. He's whom I get my pale skin, and love of Jamison and the Jay Geils Band from.

Most recently, he spends most of his time consulting on mob movies. A job that is easy, yet requires years of experience with menacing violence. Typically, you're not required to get up too early.

(phone rings, approx. 7:32 a.m. EST)

DAD: grumble...grumble...grumble

ME: Hello, pop?

DAD: What could you possibly...

ME: Dad, it's me! Your first born son!

DAD: I didn't mortgage your family's illustrious criminal history so you could call me at dawn you degenerate.

ME: Well pop, as fate would have it, I've got something important I need to tell ya

DAD: Oh Christ, I knew this pansy was a gay this whole time...

ME: On the contrary, padre. I got a girl pregnant.

DAD: Right, you expect me to believe some girl let you do that with her

ME: I feel like the guy in that Usher song.... (singing) damn near cried when I got that phone call!

DAD: Man, your singing voice is horrendous...You don't even have a girlfriend?

(playa for life, dad knows what's up)

ME: She told me she wants to keep it, no question about it. What's your take on this whole it's her body, her decision argument

DAD: What?! Oh Jesus. I can't believe this is happening.

ME: Are you crying? Pull yourself together man! I'm starting a family here.

DAD: You can barely take care of yourself.

ME: Agreed! So, you know how I hate asking you for money (cause it most likely attaches me to some sort of FBI paper trail), but can you say: maxed credit card?

DAD: Who is this dozey prat? What's her name?!

ME: Her name is LaToya


ME: Well, you remember how I told you I was becoming a pretty good dancer?


ME: Hello?


ME: Hello?


I'm gonna wait until I hear what he has to say about the credit card bill before I let him know it was a joke...

*Not actually my dad. That's Mr. French from The him with the best line from the movie: "This is America. You don't make more money, then you're a f*ckin' douchebag." [pulls out gun]

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