How to execute an April Fool's Joke...

If you live in eastern standard time, you're probably sick to your stomach about April Fool's Day at this point.

I'm sure you've been rickroll'd several times by tragically unfunny coworkers, and just can't stand it anymore. Not too mention, we all woke up today and apparently Brooklyn Decker is actually (not jokingly) engaged to that whinester Andy Roddick.

Personally, I'm of the opinion that all April Fools foolery should take place before 8 a.m. Here's what transpired when I called my dad at 7:30 this morning...

....well, first a quick backgrounder on the old man.

Here is my dad*

He's a Black Irish McBastard from South Boston. He's whom I get my pale skin, and love of Jamison and the Jay Geils Band from.

Most recently, he spends most of his time consulting on mob movies. A job that is easy, yet requires years of experience with menacing violence. Typically, you're not required to get up too early.

(phone rings, approx. 7:32 a.m. EST)

DAD: grumble...grumble...grumble

ME: Hello, pop?

DAD: What could you possibly...

ME: Dad, it's me! Your first born son!

DAD: I didn't mortgage your family's illustrious criminal history so you could call me at dawn you degenerate.

ME: Well pop, as fate would have it, I've got something important I need to tell ya

DAD: Oh Christ, I knew this pansy was a gay this whole time...

ME: On the contrary, padre. I got a girl pregnant.

DAD: Right, you expect me to believe some girl let you do that with her

ME: I feel like the guy in that Usher song.... (singing) damn near cried when I got that phone call!


DAD: Man, your singing voice is horrendous...You don't even have a girlfriend?

(playa for life, dad knows what's up)

ME: She told me she wants to keep it, no question about it. What's your take on this whole it's her body, her decision argument

DAD: What?! Oh Jesus. I can't believe this is happening.

ME: Are you crying? Pull yourself together man! I'm starting a family here.

DAD: You can barely take care of yourself.

ME: Agreed! So, you know how I hate asking you for money (cause it most likely attaches me to some sort of FBI paper trail), but can you say: maxed credit card?


DAD: Who is this dozey prat? What's her name?!

ME: Her name is LaToya

DAD: WHAT IN GOD'S NAME....?

ME: Well, you remember how I told you I was becoming a pretty good dancer?

(click)

ME: Hello?

...

ME: Hello?

...

I'm gonna wait until I hear what he has to say about the credit card bill before I let him know it was a joke...

*Not actually my dad. That's Mr. French from The Departed...credit him with the best line from the movie: "This is America. You don't make more money, then you're a f*ckin' douchebag." [pulls out gun]