The Wife-Carrying World Championships

This is unreal... Finland is awesome.



Yeah, that just happened.

The winner gets his wife's weight in beer... It is derived from the tribal practice of wife stealing.

I always assumed that Finland was sort of a dark, decrepit country - incapable of something so righteous. I guess I was mistaken.

Win a Date with Natalie Gulbis!

RSM McGladrey is holding an essay contest to win a date with Natalie Gulbis.

Essay contest? Apparently, they've been reading my blog posts on the resurgence of kickball, and have realized that everyone wishes they were still in fourth grade.

It has to be under-200 words. Lucky for Natalie, I am as succinct as I am suave.


Top-3 reasons Natalie and I are perfect for each other:

1. My dream job...pro caddy (though I'd give it all up in heartbeat to be Natalie's human golf tee)



2. I've put myself on a thirty year plan to join the Champion Tour - plan to shave a stroke, and add a yard of driving distance per year.


3. I'll take a Wii golf babe over Wii fit babes any day of the week

(photo via Busted Coverage)

Supposedly the theme of the essay is Who's Behind Your Success? However, I figure it will be hard to argue with my above reasoning...especially when I'm so goddam independently successful

Go check it out, and maybe you'll have a shot at one of the runner-up prizes like the SkyCaddie measuring device.

Toss the Burner: Dark Knight Day '08

Tickets in hand for a 12:03 show. If you didn't get yours, well, what can I say? Other than, you're a failure.

Break Dancing Bees Get Served (The Bachelor Guy)
Punk Rock Scott (Hugging Harold Reynolds)
Yooooooouuuur 2008 Superhero All-Star Team (Brahsome)
Tour De Farce (The World of Isaac)
Boxer Undergoes Brain Surgery After ESPN Fight (SportsByBrooks)
The Best: Sportscaster (The Big Picture)
Cardboard Tube Fighting Invades DC (Deuce of Davenport)

And if you somehow scammed tickets for the IMAX. Get bent, I hate you.

(Double-LL, Double-AA)

Roller Skating, Bald Guys...Barrymore Wants You

Drew Barrymore put out an APB to folks in the Ann Arbor, MI. area today who might want to be cast as extras in her feature film directorial debut Whip It. And, so far, 3,000 people want in.



Whip It is about a female roller derby league in Austin, TX (the Ann Arbor of the Sun Belt region). It stars Ellen "home skillet" Page (Bliss Cavendar), a young girl who discovers the joy of being hell on wheels. It has nothing to do with the band Devo, evidently.



The casting call is searching for bald men, those with mohawks (either gender), roller skaters or people who know sign language.




So if you have one of these weird hobbies, or unfortunate coif situations, and you're over-18 - sign yourself up and see if Julia Gulia picks you.




According to an email from Real Style casting company, the baldies should be "willing to get their dome signed by Drew and the cast."

It does not specify this, but I'm willing to wager that a skullet (willing to get your dome signed, of course) will receive preferential casting consideration. Sign linguists or otherwise.

Toss the Burner: July 16, 2008

Trying to get through the day with just one caffeinated drink...Can he do it?!

I'll take all bets, you doubters!

• The Internets are Alive: Camby Traded to the Clippers (Balls Don’t Lie)
• Charles Barkley will not win the British Open (Cuzoogle)
• Yogi Berra Is Not Impressed By Sarah Jessica Parker (Awful Announcing)
• Papelbon Says His Pregnant Wife Had Her 'Life Threatened' at Red Carpet Parade (Fanhouse)
• When You Can’t Gamble for Real… (Bugs & Cranks)
• Dr. Z Remembers (Kissing Suzy Kolber)

That one drink was a large iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts, which I have a crippling addiction for. They charge you the $3.25 for that here in New York (highway robbery). Yet, I can't say no.

Pizza Man Clobbers Robber!

I am a huge fan of pizza-man vigilante justice



Ann Curry can barely contain herself...

Then. Something. Changed. YOUR MIND!

I worked as a pizza chef for about eight years, and can say with authority that pizzerias have hundreds (if not, thousands) of ways for you to defend yourself from thieves.

For example, when the guillotine execution went out of style, what do you think happened to all that metal?

Bingo.

In college, I wrote a screenplay about my days making 'zas. The story culminates with robbers being thwarted after taking deep fryer grease to the corneas. Real Tarantino-esque imagery.

Point is, that criminal is lucky he only encountered the fleet of fist Rudy Sandoval, and not one of the many psychopaths who are prevalent in the paisan industry.





I wonder if the U.S. Pizza Team has offered Sandoval a contract yet. Or if they're even looking for an enforcer.

Toss the Burner: July 15, 2008

The Track "Shackler's Revenge" from GNR's heavily anticipated Chinese Democracy will makes its world premiere on Rock Band 2 (via Pop Candy)

• Some of the best non-sports I played during college (Uncoached)
• The 2008 All-Bum Team (Rumors and Rants)
• Water Skiing Squirrel (NESW Sports)
• We're the reason A-rod wasn't in the home run derby (Bugs & Cranks)
• I'm a stalker at All-Star BP, part 1 (The Sporting Blog)

Just so we're abundantly clear... It's Shackler's Revenge, not Sheckler.

Because Getting Gored Really Takes All the Fun Out of It

They had the white get-ups with the red sashes. They had the ole ole ole chants. But in lieu of available bulls, they went with roller girls equipped with whiffle ball bats.

NEW ORLEANS (AP) — It's the running of the bulls, New Orleans style.

Hundreds of men, women and children, most in white with red scarves around their waists and red bandannas around their necks, gathered outside a French Quarter bar Saturday morning to be chased down Bourbon Street by members of New Orleans' roller derby league.

Oh. Hell.Yeah.


During the first half of that video, I was like "who is wielding a chainsaw on bourbon street right now?" And then the Elvis impersonators showed up on their motor scooters.



“The energy of the runners was electric” Mudflap Girl observed. “It was a truly amazing feeling that hundreds of people were stoked that we were there, and stoked to have their azzes whupped by us!!

(I lifted that insight from the Big Easy Roller Girls blog... I could never with good conscience take credit for the use of the term azz (pl.))

... oh, again, the Elvi on mopeds, you can learn more about them at rollingelvi.com

Toss the Burner: July 14, 2008

It took me an hour and a half to get to work today on the subway... it usually takes about 25 minutes.

Sitting there, stagnant, I thought... this is so goddam awesome! what could make this better?


... then somebody farted. Dick. Move.

Alas. I'm gonna go toast a bagel, and put butter and peanut butter on that guy. Check these out:

• Here Comes The Olympic Hoops Qualifier (Fanhouse)
• New Sport: “Naked Rock Climbing” (Deuce of Davenport)
• Would Anyone Like to Know the Whereabouts of Mike Hargrove? (Tirico Suave)
• Who Had the Worst Week (Bugs & Cranks)
• A Modest Proposal For the 2008 Ryder Cup (Rumors and Rants)
• Anatomy of Sports Blogger Slump (The Legend of Cecilio Guante)
• Stephen A. Smith Loses His Mind on ESPN When Talking About Favre (Awful Announcing)
• The Sports Delorean: WWF Vignettes (Joe Sports Fan)
  

Brooklyn Hosts International Kickball Tournament

This was once again not your prepubescent self's kickball...

In the second game I watched during yesterday's Third Annual International Kickball Invitational in Brooklyn, N.Y., a girl playing first base was brought to the ground by an opposing player barreling down the base line. His tackling technique was nothing if not textbook. She bounced back remarkably well from the bear hug take down, as her team's second baseman ran to cover her up - as one of her boobs had freed itself from her bikini top.

Along with All-Star teams assembled from the Brooklyn League, there were squads in attendance from Canada (read: International!), the deep South (Atlanta), and the midwest (Hoboken, NJ).

The eventual champions - one of the four Brooklyn teams - notched a mercy rule victory in their second game of the day, against a team that came all the way from Toronto.

So did you guys rent a church van or something? I asked some the Canadians. No, gas is stupid, we took the bus...it took 11 hours. That's a long ways to come to get throttled like that.

The tournament ran all day Saturday from 1 - 11 p.m. - which by my estimation is the longest recorded kickball tournament since Jesus coined the term balls in 15 A.D. (Quote: Get these balls, sucka sayeth the Lord to Judas; Corinthian 21:12)

McCarron Park in BK provided the ultimate self-indulgent backdrop for an organized group of several hundred adults playing an elementary school game. Like most hot, humid days in New York, the park was overrun with beautiful people laying on beach towels, just sort of looking at each other. Also, there was not one, but dueling Mister Softee trucks - which will be getting my business, I wonder?

Prior to the start of the tournament, I spent a good amount of time sitting on a bench drinking a 32-ounce Budweiser out of styrofoam cup watching these Polish kids pelt each other with water balloons. A little girl about five flanked me, and hit me square in the junk with one. Miraculously, it didn't pop; she was so mad it didn't explode all over me. I was relieved, I didn't need to walk around the rest of the day with wet junk.

Even though they didn't play particularly well, the Canadians did show up with Maple Leaf umbrella hats, an apparent traveling mascot dressed as Dionysus, and ketchup flavored potato chips.

Luckily I had the 32-ounce King of Beers or I never would have gotten the taste of those putrid chips out of my mouth.

See some more photos of the tournament below, as well as one of the more clever trash cans I've seen in my day. Check out more at BrooklynKickball.com as well.