Toss the Burner: April 18, 2008

It's like 80 degrees outside, let's get out there and see some skirts!

Nope, gotta work. Guffaw.

I can't wait to run for Pope of this dump on the four-day work week platform.

You ask me to debate foreign policy, and I'll ask you to use foreign policy in a sentence. Universal health care, sounds tough. Nope, all we need is the four day work week...or at least maybe siestas.

President Curly, sounds pretty dastardly doesn't it?

.......

So, Midge Tejada is actually a mischievous two years older than he's been claiming. The first sentence from the mlb.com report is priceless:

PHILADELPHIA -- Miguel Tejada just aged two years.

...and so is the spin by Astros general manager Ed Wade:

"In the course of media interviews, it was brought to our attention that the date we carry for Tejada, the year of birth, is incorrect," Wade said. "His green card, his driver's license, everything that he uses personally shows '74 as his date of birth. In the media guide, that type of information shows '76. We told Miguel we were going to go ahead and make the appropriate changes and all the information was put forward. But the fact of the matter is he's playing like he was 25."

So, this whole charade, it was merely a typo in the media guide? Or was it more of a typo in the media guide propagated by a decade long lie?

All this really means is that Tejada will stop striking fear into me every time he comes to the plate probably in 2014 instead of 2016.

Awesome One-Man Japanese Little Girl Band Rocks Me...

god bless brahsome for posting this gem. Carry on, little geisha, Carry on.



0:36 - oooh


0:48 - OH!


0:51 - OHHHHHH!!! (Quoting Bruce Dickenson)


1:03 - Sweet Lord! OH


...



4:11 - OH MY LAWRDY! OH!



...that was the play-by-play of me watching this.

And the applause she gets? You'd think she'd just tapped in for triple bogey at the Nippon Open. The Japanese know nothing of rocking.


Vadam Pruzhanov (The Keytarist from Dragonforce) would be proud, little girl.

Joe Lunardi already has next year's bracket set...

This is ridiculous.

He's even already predicting the last four in and the last four out.

F#$king Lunardo.

At least he's got UCONN grabbing a two seed

You just got downgraded to supremely massive on my "how massive of tool is Joe Lunardi" scale.

628 comments on this garbage too; you people have way too much free time on your hands.

My day just got better...

There are few days during the year that I look forward to with as a great an anticipation as the day of the first Sox/Yankees game

And conveniently today, the New York Post is reporting that some devilish (enterprising) Red Sox fan working on a concrete crew at the $1.3 billion stadium covertly buried a Red Sox T-shirt under what will become the visiting team's locker room to jinx the Yanks.

Totally awesome. Best story about a rogue union man I've heard in a while.

Brando would be proud.

The identities of all the workers has been withheld, because that rag has enough blood attached to it.

Happy Day, It's The Master: Day 1

I'm going to do a little blog entry about the Masters each day. Why? Because golf is the ultimate sport.

I may choose to exclude Saturday and Sunday in lieu of having fun over the weekend. Those are the only two days I recommend watching by the way.

Actually, I only recommend watching the last round on Sunday. And do it on DVR fast forward too.

In Masters day one news worth noting, resident links douchebag V.J. Singh is being beaten at his own game by some guy named J. Singh. ho HO!


Went a little above J. on the screenshot so that I could point out that Heathcliff Slocum had a competitive first round. Years of seeing that guy pitch during TBS broadcasts, you think they would have alluded to his golf prowess...personally, I had no idea.

Natalie Portman & Devendra Banhart spotted in Soho Eatery

Banhart, in a word...selfish

Here's what they have in common:

1.) they're 26.

And by comparison, here's what Natalie and I have in common:

1.) She's been an advocate for environmental causes since the age of twelve (There's approximately one lightbulb* working in my entire apartment; I'm going green)

2.) Despite being associated with summery, flowery musicians with frou frou names like Devendra she actual prefers Motorhead** (You bet your ass I prefer Motorhead, I'd follow Lemmy into the black)

3.) A working knowledge of the city of Paris...



4.) In a 2004 interview with Allure Magazine she said "Oh my God! I'm not black, but I know what it feels like!" (Senior year we had a framed photograph of the first African American pool superintendant - whose name escapes me at the moment - on our wall. My roommate made the swipe from a pool he worked at in Brooklyn. Anyway, I used to tell people he was my uncle and that I was half-black. The really curly hair and sharp dance moves helped sell the dream)

Stick that on the back of your compatability colt and ride off into the sunset, Josey Wells.

*The singular lightbulb is actually part of really budget chand-o-lere that has about a dozen bulb sockets. I've threatened my roommate on numerous occasions - with the mack-ten - for trying to replace the burned out bulbs.

**There's no link to her wikipedia page here, because I made it up. Motorhead is awesome though

Toss the Burner: April 9, 2008

The twelfth season of South Park has been oh so sweet, and yet another fresh episode airs tonight.

If you're kind of a big deal like myself and can't always be around at 10 p.m. on Wednesday, check out where you can watch every single episode (beautiful) ever created.

Here's a musical moment from the show's past, I can't remember laughing harder during South Park then the first time I saw this...



Concerning YouTube...The Today Show has been covering this story about the 16-year old girl who was beaten up on camera by a bunch of her supposed girlfriends.

The she-thugs then put the video on YouTube...shocking.

This morning, The Today Show put together a panel to discuss how awful this whole thing is, and the disturbing trend in kids posting violent video in search of their "15 MBs (clever?) of fame."

Interestingly enough, on YouTube's most viewed today page a news video of the beating loaded by user AssociatedPress has 226,065 views...today.

So, we've got trusted, reputable media source The Today Show condemning kids for doing this with violent videos, and trusted, reputable media source The Associated Press...What? Fueling the fire?

In their defense, AssociatedPress has removed the video.

...and some of my favorite (at least by name) YT users who have picked up the slack in posting these girls' story include CuddlyNutBear, SockPuppetry101, and JUMPTHECOOCH.

An emerging voice of reason in this whole sordid affair...a YouTube comment posted 12 seconds ago:

WHAT THE F#$% IS THIS SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those girls should be punished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You don't do that to some one just because you have a disagreement or she said something to offend you. COME ON PEOPLE THIS IS F#$%ED.

says lesbianloveaffair

NBADraft.net, is this a joke?

So I just checked out the NBADraft.net's 2008 mock draft to see where Derrick Rose's he-man NCAA tournament had landed him...found something way more entertaining:

Who you think they're gonna take in the second round? Me?

Apparently, the site was only updated as recently as yesterday, and even then, the 2008 Mock Draft was NOT one of the things that was updated.

Something tells me Mario Chalmers will not be a Grizzly next year.

On a side note, I'd love to see Rose go number one overall. I think he commands the game ridiculously well for as young as he is.

Toss the Burner: Red Sox Home Opener

Memphis collapsed.

Remember when Paul Shaffer (Artie Fufkin) demands that Christopher Guest and Harry Shearer kick his ass in This Is Spinal Tap?

Great part of the film. Kind of how you could sum up the last few minutes of last night's game.

I'm not askin...I'm telling you to kick my ass

John Calipari and his team could not be reached to comment on what exactly went wrong at the end of game. However, long time Memphis fan (and a solid representative of the demo of the team's fan base) Cletus the slack-jaw yokel had this to say...

I can't possibly think of anything else that could've gone wrong.

Most importantly, we can now move on to strictly baseball season.


After an 18-day, tri-country, du-continent road trip the BoSox open up at home today against the winless-less team in baseball the 0-6 Detroit Tigers. The Sox kick off a 20 game in 20 day stint.

A savage road trip, then 20 games in a row. Is MLB giving them June off or something?

How to execute an April Fool's Joke...

If you live in eastern standard time, you're probably sick to your stomach about April Fool's Day at this point.

I'm sure you've been rickroll'd several times by tragically unfunny coworkers, and just can't stand it anymore. Not too mention, we all woke up today and apparently Brooklyn Decker is actually (not jokingly) engaged to that whinester Andy Roddick.

Personally, I'm of the opinion that all April Fools foolery should take place before 8 a.m. Here's what transpired when I called my dad at 7:30 this morning...

....well, first a quick backgrounder on the old man.

Here is my dad*

He's a Black Irish McBastard from South Boston. He's whom I get my pale skin, and love of Jamison and the Jay Geils Band from.

Most recently, he spends most of his time consulting on mob movies. A job that is easy, yet requires years of experience with menacing violence. Typically, you're not required to get up too early.

(phone rings, approx. 7:32 a.m. EST)

DAD: grumble...grumble...grumble

ME: Hello, pop?

DAD: What could you possibly...

ME: Dad, it's me! Your first born son!

DAD: I didn't mortgage your family's illustrious criminal history so you could call me at dawn you degenerate.

ME: Well pop, as fate would have it, I've got something important I need to tell ya

DAD: Oh Christ, I knew this pansy was a gay this whole time...

ME: On the contrary, padre. I got a girl pregnant.

DAD: Right, you expect me to believe some girl let you do that with her

ME: I feel like the guy in that Usher song.... (singing) damn near cried when I got that phone call!


DAD: Man, your singing voice is horrendous...You don't even have a girlfriend?

(playa for life, dad knows what's up)

ME: She told me she wants to keep it, no question about it. What's your take on this whole it's her body, her decision argument

DAD: What?! Oh Jesus. I can't believe this is happening.

ME: Are you crying? Pull yourself together man! I'm starting a family here.

DAD: You can barely take care of yourself.

ME: Agreed! So, you know how I hate asking you for money (cause it most likely attaches me to some sort of FBI paper trail), but can you say: maxed credit card?


DAD: Who is this dozey prat? What's her name?!

ME: Her name is LaToya

DAD: WHAT IN GOD'S NAME....?

ME: Well, you remember how I told you I was becoming a pretty good dancer?

(click)

ME: Hello?

...

ME: Hello?

...

I'm gonna wait until I hear what he has to say about the credit card bill before I let him know it was a joke...

*Not actually my dad. That's Mr. French from The Departed...credit him with the best line from the movie: "This is America. You don't make more money, then you're a f*ckin' douchebag." [pulls out gun]